10 months later....

Hello from our home in Vermont. :)

In my last post, before I fell off the face of the planet, I shared that we were moving to Vermont. We came to that decision for a variety of reasons, the biggest of which was that we wanted to create a simpler, more sustainable life for ourselves. You've heard it a million times before-- having a kid changes everything. And, after having Hugo 3 years ago, our priorities shifted. We wanted to be in a smaller town, with a lower cost of living, where community was strong and valued.
I had also been looking for a way to make my business bi-coastal for years, and a move to New England seemed like the most obvious answer.

In my mind, this cross-country move was going to be smooth and easy, networking would happen naturally and jobs would fall into my lap. I'd skip over that whole not-having-any-friends part because I already have family here, so I'd never feel lonely. And traveling between coasts for work every 4-6 weeks would be an adventure, rather than unsettling and guilt-ridden.

I didn't bank on feeling so displaced and untethered for so long. I didn't realize that, while traveling back to Seattle on a regular basis for work is DEFINITELY exciting and fulfilling, it's also heart-breaking every time I have to say goodbye to my son who doesn't understand why I can't work closer to where we live. I didn't realize that, every time I returned to Vermont after a trip to Seattle, I would feel anxious and utterly disoriented.

I didn't know how hard it would be to be the sole-income earner in our home, and how terrifying it would be to give up our home and our lives in Seattle and fling ourselves off a cliff into fate's hands. I thought I would feel taken care of by the universe, and that the pieces would magically fall into place. 

Don't misunderstand- there have been (and are) wonderful parts to this change: finding the amazing old home we now live in, the people we've met who feel like they've been part of our lives for years, the four very distinct seasons in this part of the country and the utter beauty and charm of New England that never gets old for me. This move was absolutely not a mistake. We have no regrets.
But I can't lie-- it is hard.

It's painful and humbling, after running a successful business for many years, to feel like I am starting from scratch. In Vermont, (and New England) in many ways, I am starting from the very beginning again: networking, trying to get my name out there, playing the part of an extrovert when I am so very much an introvert.
Suddenly, I am doubting myself, questioning my choices, fearing that I am not good enough. It feels like going through adolescence all over again, being desperately concerned that people like me and trying to convince them that I am worth taking a chance on.

Throughout this whole change, I have also been dealing with some very painful health issues in my family. My mother-- my rock, my biggest advocate and my constant support-- has been suffering from fairly rapid memory loss over this past year. The reasons for this are unclear, and the obvious culprits have been, so far, ruled out. But for us, her family, this past year has felt like a slow, brutal death. A drawn-out loss of one of the very most important people in our lives. It has been absolute hell.

There is something that happens to your faith, to your belief in God or Buddha or the angels or just, simply, the goodness of the universe when you lose your sense of being taken care of in the world. When you realize that someone- whether it's your parents or your higher power-- no longer has your back, and that nobody is going to catch you when you fall. You realize you are alone, and you are a grown up. All of a sudden, you are an adult in the world, in a whole new way than you were before.
It feels like an enormous spiritual crisis. And it sucks.

Why am I writing all this on my blog? Well, I've never been great at small talk. I would much rather be real than pretend I'm living a life I'm not. We see too much fabricated perfection on social media every day, making us feel like we are not quite measuring up. We don't need any more of that B.S.

So, here I am. Back to my blog, and being real.

I am going to be posting regularly from here on out. Twice a week, to be exact. I may not have any words, but there will be photos! Lots of photos. So, please come visit.

Speaking of photos, I will leave you now with some of the little guy who makes all the struggle worth it.

big changes 'round these parts

Let me cut to the chase:

My long-held dream of making my business bi-coastal is becoming a reality! Early this Fall, we will be relocating to Southern Vermont. These past several months have been occupied by readying our house to sell, packing our stuff, making countless trips to Goodwill, renting storage units, arranging movers and setting up meetings in the Northeast. To say it's been a whirlwind is an enormous understatement.

I am happy to say that I will be keeping my studio in Seattle and flying back regularly to work on projects and teach workshops. I have great clients in Seattle and look forward to keeping those relationships healthy, as well as building new connections. As a Seattle native, my ties here are strong and I intend to keep it that way.
I am also incredibly excited to build my business in the Northeast, and to FINALLY be able to offer workshops there! Look out, New England, I am coming for YOU!

I will talk more about this in the coming months-- how and why we made this decision, plans for the future, changes in my business-- but, for now, I just wanted to announce the news. I am so looking forward to the adventure ahead.

plans

As my son says, "I DID IT!! I DID IT!!!"
I made a goal to post every day this month, and I followed through. Hooray!

I wanted to wrap up this month of posting with some thoughts about where I would like to go from here.

A number of years back, I attended a workshop on how to build your business. One of the main things that has stayed with me from that class, is the idea that in order to really grow and accomplish those big dreams you have, you really need to "put it out there." This means everything from announcing your intention to the universe to talking about your goals to people. Lots of people. The idea is that you never really know where those conversations you have are going to lead you. This rings true for me.  The bulk of my business has been built by word of mouth, by conversations, by "putting it out there", by the synchronicity of things falling into place at the right time.

Since having my son, my business has undergone some changes. Some of my goals have shifted, some of my priorities have changed. What hasn't changed, however, is how much I absolutely love what I do, how much it excites and fuels me and how, after all these years, I am still in awe of the process of making images and capturing beauty in the world.

Now that Hugo is almost two, I am feeling that itch again to get out in the world again in a bigger way. I feel less home-bound and more eager to spread my wings.

So, in keeping with the notion of "putting it out there", I wanted to share some of my current goals/dreams for my business. Who knows where this could lead? ;)

•I want to build my client base on the east coast. It has always been my goal to be bi-coastal. Almost my entire family is on the east coast, and I want to spend more time there, particularly the Northeast.

•Along the lines of the above goal, I want to spend more time in Vermont. (Hey, Vermont! I want to come work there! And, PS- I love you!)

•I want to go and spend some time working and traveling in the UK. It keeps coming up in my mind. Interestingly, I get a LOT of emails and inquiries from that part of the world, (in fact, one of my favorite projects this past year was with a London author-- I cant wait to share that one) so I am hoping that's a sign that I'll get to work there for a bit. :)

•I want more jobs that involve visual story-telling. More documentary, more capturing of people doing what they do.

•I want to hit the road again. I want adventure in my business. I want to work all over this big beautiful country and go beyond the limits of being a "west coast photographer." Life is too short to limit yourself.

Happy 2016, people. Let's make it a magical year.

kale salad (on the whole30)

This little number was part of our dinner on Day 14 of the Whole30:
Lacinato kale, apples, radishes, unsweetened dried cherries and pecans, tossed with a dressing made from mustard, red wine vinegar, balsamic and olive oil.

So GOOD.

whole30 tacos

I'm on Day 13 of the Whole30 right now, and thought I might go ahead and post some of what we are eating. Tonight it was tacos: braised pork shoulder served with radishes, avocado, cilantro, onions and lime, wrapped in lettuce leaves. Pretty damn tasty!

it's another home makeover (part 2)

Okay, as I mentioned yesterday, Joe had 8 days to finish our kitchen makeover, as well as some additional painting and carpentry on our main floor. EIGHT DAYS, PEOPLE! In the world of home projects, that is not a lot of time. My man worked around the clock. It was a crazy, crazy time.

Unfortunately, when I was taking the "after" photos of our living room, I realized I never had a chance to take the official "before" photos. Because of that, I had to dig up some Christmas photos from a couple years ago because they will, at least, give you a sense of what the space originally looked like.

So, take note of a few things: the persimmon colored walls, the lack of trim around the threshold to the dining room, the darker furniture and color scheme:

Some detail shots of the ugliness that was our fireplace:

And here are the AFTER photos. New paint, smooth walls, (Joe resurfaced all the walls to get rid of the texture), molding added in the threshold between the living and dining rooms, new fireplace facade and mantel that Joe custom-built and a whole new color scheme and furniture.

it's another home makeover (part 1)

It's time for another non-work-related post.

A few years back, I posted some shots of our basement remodel and, to this day, I still get comments about that. What can I say, Joe did an awesome job! :)

Last Spring, the Barboza household embarked on yet another stage of home improvement-- a kitchen makeover! We weren't able to change the footprint of the kitchen without adding a ton of time and cost, so we decided to basically do a great facelift to the existing layout. Doing home improvements with a toddler in the house is especially tricky, so we had to figure out a way to get things done as quickly as possible. To accomplish this, Hugo and I rented a nearby house for 8 days while Joe turned our house into a construction zone. Once again, I think my husband did a rockin' job. :)

Here are the BEFORE pics:

And here are AFTER pics:

So, as you can see, we had to keep the old floors. We just didn't have the time to replace them. But, here is what Joe did do in those 8 days:

•Moved the entryway next to the fridge over by 7 inches and shortened the counter to the right of the stove, all to accommodate a much larger refrigerator

•Resurfaced ALL the walls (kitchen, dining room, hall and living room) in order to get rid of the obnoxious texture that was on there

•Painted the walls (in the kitchen, as well as the dining room, hallway and living room)

•Added crown molding above the cabinets

•Installed a new GORGEOUS farm sink and new hardware

•Installed a new backsplash

•Took down one row of cabinets and installed open shelving instead, (the shelving is made from an old beam I found at a salvage yard.) Hands down, it's my favorite part of the kitchen.

•Installed a proper vent above the stove. This was HUGE. Prior to this makeover, we would set the fire alarm off every time we seared meat on the stove because there was no venting. Our new hood has been life-changing.

•Supervised the installation of our new quartz countertops. I do a little dance every time I work in my kitchen and don't have to deal with those nasty tile countertops! I mean, who puts tile on a kitchen counter???

So, that's it! There are a couple more things that had to be put on the back burner so that Joe could get back to his paying clients, but those will be done eventually. Overall, we are both so happy being in this space now and cooking is much more fun.

Tomorrow you'll get to see what Joe did to the living room and fireplace. :)

oh, seattle, my fair city

shameless photo of me with my son

I think the title of this post is pretty self-explanatory...

gettin' crafty

I love love LOVE my job, and it's hugely creative, but there is just something totally amazing about turning off your brain, turning on an audiobook and making stuff, simply because it feels good.
And whenever I want inspiration and project ideas, I had over to Lia Griffith's site.

I met Lia a few years ago when she attended a couple of my workshops. Lia is lovely- inside and out- and one of the most creative people I have ever met in my life. Basically, EVERYTHING on her blog is charming, so I have no shortage of projects lined up.

I'm a tad self-conscious about sharing some of the things I have made, simply because I had never used embroidery thread or hand-sewn before working on these, and it shows. Also, I took a few small liberties with the projects when I didn't have the right materials (or know what I was doing.) But, regardless of all that, I love all the crafts I've made! And my son loves them, too.

Everything below, except for the mercury-light-inspired glass candle holders, are from Lia's site. The candle holders were made by following a tutorial I found here. Basically, I just bought a bunch of juice glasses at Goodwill and used those. I was originally going to give them as Christmas gifts but then decided they would look better in my house. :)

finding my way back

Whew.

Hi again. It's been awhile. 3 months, actually.

Hugo arrived 13.5 weeks ago and it's been a blur. I honestly feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone, never quite knowing what day it is, never totally sure if the story I'm telling to someone took place the day before or the week before. It's a completely surreal time.

The last 3 months have been filled with all the usual stuff-- breastfeeding hell for the first month, many sleepless nights, enduring the first infant illness, as well as so many laughs and cheers as Hugo learns a new skill or smiles his enormous smile, a million cuddles and kisses, a love deeper than I ever thought possible.

And then there was the postpartum depression.

It's actually misleading to call it postpartum because, now, looking back, I realize how badly I was suffering from anxiety all through my pregnancy. Essentially, the last year has been dominated by near-constant worry and fear and sadness so bad that it robbed me of much of the joy that I was "supposed" to be feeling as a pregnant woman and then as a new mom. I started seeing a counselor several months ago, in my second trimester, because my OB was worried about my anxiety level. I exercised, meditated, ate well, saw friends, watched funny movies. I did everything I knew to do to avoid going on antidepressants until, finally, one month after Hugo was born, I knew I hit bottom because my husband told me he was scared. Not concerned, not worried, but SCARED. So, I swallowed my pride and my fear of pharmaceuticals and saw a specialist. And, here I am, 2+ months later, on an antidepressant for postpartum depression and anxiety, and I feel human again. I wake up actually feeling optimistic about the day. I feel calm. I found my sense of humor. I have perspective. And I realize just how much of my life I have missed out on for the past 12 months.

I've always been a worrier. It runs in my family. I'm also an emotional gal, who feels things very deeply. But I gotta say, the level of anxiety I've experienced this past year totally knocked me on my ass. Never before have I felt so completely incompetent because I couldn't just think my way out of the darkness. Never before have I felt like such an enormous burden on my husband and family as I sank lower and lower into a place from which I wasn't sure I could emerge.
But I'm back now, and I'm finding my groove in my new role as mom/wife/creative person/business owner/friend/daughter. It's definitely a balancing act, and I have a newfound respect for all those (unbelievably amazing) single parents out there. I have NO CLUE how they do it.

Since becoming a parent, I've also learned the meaning of the word "guilt."

I've never been a person who carried around a ton of guilt but, man, has that changed. I feel guilty that I love my work so much and that I have missed my time away from it. I feel guilty that it's hard for me to spend hours on the floor dangling toys above my baby because I'm so freakin' BORED. I love Hugo SO much, and yet some masochistic part of myself thinks that I should be enjoying every single minute of this whole parenting gig and the fact is, I don't. I love Hugo more than pretty much anything, but I also love my creative time, my work, my friends....the rest of my life.

Intellectually, though, I know that I am a much better mom when I am paying attention to the other parts of my life, so I make sure I do that. And having Hugo at an older age has, I think, made me more balanced overall and not at all interested in trying to achieve some unattainable ideal in mommy world. In other words, I pretty much trust my gut on things with my kid and don't really care what a lot of the "experts" or other moms are doing. But all that being said, I still struggle with doubt sometimes.
Isn't that just part of the job? :)

So, what happens now?

•I'm making a new list of goals and plans for my business, my workshops and my studio, and I am PSYCHED to implement those things.
•I'm gearing up for a busy summer of photo shoots and family time.
•I'm learning how to be okay with getting less done in a day.
•I'm continually reminding myself to appreciate every single second with my baby because he changes by the minute.
•I'm learning how to spend more time in gratitude because I am so lucky that I get to spend as much time with my kid as I do and still do the work that I love.
•I'm learning how to let things go. (Well, at least I'm TRYING.)
•I'm learning how to be more forgiving. Especially of myself.

I'll be back soon with non-baby-related photos and news but, for now, thanks for reading.

(Thank you, Lily West, for the B&W photo of Hugo and me. xoxo)

a perfect day (before we were 4)

I meant to post these photos weeks ago but then, you know, I went and had a baby and my plans kinda fell by the wayside.

These shots were taken on one of those perfect days, a few weeks before I gave birth. Joe, Nina, and I hopped in the car and took a drive to the coast. The weather was perfect, the beach was nearly empty, and a good time was had by all.

I